WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? (or) ANXIETY 1, ME 0/CANTO #7

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? (or) ANXIETY 1, ME 0/CANTO #7

I fucking LOST the battle yesterday. Fight called, towel thrown in, and by the end of the day I couldn’t do shit except lie in bed. Awash in defeat, bathed in frustration, a confused mess of nerves and self doubt. Fun day all in all. I don’t know if it’s readily apparent from our content so far, but my wife & I have A LOT going on at the moment. She’s just started a new job which has shifted our schedule slightly so I’m taking & picking up the kiddos now (going OK so far, fingers crossed), but it’s also a fantastic opportunity and she’s a fucking rock star and a half. I’m proud of her constantly, like a whole team of cheerleaders for one person (minus the little skirt & pom poms). She’s also officially started writing for The Ghost Generation at the same time so that’s added to the plate too. Then you have me. Frantically trying to exercise, work full time, and figure out what the fuck I’m doing with this thing. The Ghost Generation, something of my own, something I can be proud of, a way for my voice to be heard, for OUR voices to be heard. Trying to put my best foot forward and let the world know I’m a good writer, and at the same time dabbling in trying to build a reputation as a video game reviewer cause why the fuck not. I always thought it would be super rad to do it and it aligns with what I’m doing somewhat so why not go for it? Sleep when I’m dead as they say. This has all come at a time in my life when everything feels like it’s converging into a singularity, to some sort of destination. Just what the hell that IS though, is the part I don’t know. Do I want The Ghost Generation to grow and become something big? Of course. Who doesn’t want that for their ventures? How the fuck do I actually manifest it though?

It’s the million-dollar question, because as it stands I have nearly no idea and I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other and see where it goes. Am I clouding up the water, doing too many things? Is there room for deeply personal blog posts about life, and parenting, AND video game reviews? Is it confusing to readers? Are there any fucking readers for any of this to matter to in the first place? See, this brain of mine is a fucking minefield and I’m just trying to tiptoe through it without fucking exploding into bits. I would love to live in a world where this all works harmoniously and people love it, helping to elevate it to the heights my dreams show me it can reach. Things is though, I don’t live in the same world that I lived in when I was 25. On social media, working in music, playing music, ear to the ground and in everyone’s face. My wife and I had been off social media for over 4 years and loved every second of it. It got to be too much and before we had our kids we said “fuck this” and got off, never looked back. Fast forward to now, and the genesis of The Ghost Generation. Gotta promote after all, gotta build a following and get the word out. So to Twitter I went, and now there we are. Instagram too, but there isn’t much going on there cause I’m not sharing a ton of pictures with the world at the moment. Do I even WANT to?

On the topic of video games, my reignited passion for gaming is something that makes me super happy, but all of a sudden I have less time to enjoy it because I’m trying to gather up support from developers & publishers so they’ll send me shit to review. If you’ve ever heard the phrase uphill battle it most definitely applies here. Everyone is streaming on Twitch now, everyone is on YouTube now, so those are the people that they want to review their games. It’s not rocket science, it’s where there’s the most potential to garner sales-I totally get it. I’m also one of those Nintendo Switch-only folks, cause I don’t have the time to play on every console that exists, so I sit in a niche that makes it even tougher cause the Switch review keys are harder to come by. Suddenly, walls are put in front of something that seemed like a fantastic idea and it’s a little deflating if I’m being honest. That’s the thing- I have a full time job, two young children, and a wife I love LITERALLY more every day and I have this. That’s PLENTY, right? I also want to be present for them and of sound enough mind and body that I CAN do this. I don’t WANT to stream on fucking Twitch. I’m not bashing it mind you, I don’t want to deal with THAT backlash, I’m just saying it isn’t for me. I’ve never had the desire to make videos of myself, and I most definitely don’t want to play video games while other people fucking WATCH me play video games for hours on end. I don’t want to be fucking goofy on YouTube, I don’t want to do so many of the things that it seems to take to be relevant in that world (and I’m aware I’d probably fast-track this shit if I just fell in line, but that ain’t how this is gonna go down)- I just want to enjoy the stuff I want to enjoy and review some rad games cause I have pretty good taste and a small handful of people respect my opinions. But it’s not enough, is it? Nevermind the fact that there are already a million and a half “Nintendo Dads” and “Gamer Parents” or whatever out there, it’s a crowded street I’m trying to walk on and I wonder if there’s room for me on the fucking sidewalk. A dinosaur who just wants to write, to be a part of the conversation without pointing a camera at myself every five seconds.

The blogging side comes a hell of a lot easier to me, and my wife too (she has done it before, had a damn respectable following too). We’ve got years upon years of material stored up in these minds of ours and I like to think we express it well. If I didn’t think we were at least a LITTLE bit good at this shit I certainly wouldn’t have started the fucking thing to begin with after all. The part that’s fucking with me is this- is anybody listening? Is anybody GOING to listen? Are there too many other voices out there? Did we miss the bus? Is The Ghost Generation, again, a dinosaur in this culture? How many snarky parenting blogs are out there already? We don’t have a podcast (not yet anyway, it’s something we’d like to do but again- gotta grow into it), we’re not oversharing on social media, we are what we are. We’re a couple that for a long time has felt that the world has left us behind. We had kids, our families and friends fucked off, and the whole world became obsessed with itself, people under the age of 25, and the endless barrage off doomsday scenarios being thrown at us all on a CONSTANT FUCKING BASIS. We’re out here on a deserted island, trying to raise two wonderful little kids, trying to be good people, and trying to make sense of it all and make some of our dreams happen. This is one of those dreams, and it truly scares me to think that even THIS might not have a place in this world right now. I think our voices deserve to be heard, regardless of how many other voices might be in the room. Ours is just that-ours.

I was even debating posting this, but if I only present the victories I’d be a fucking liar, cause sometimes life throws you more shit than candy and that rings especially true when you’re trying to strike out on your own. Yeah, sometimes it all piles up on you and you end up a crumpled mess in your bed, trying to sort through your thoughts and coming up short. Feeling like you’re not good enough, like you’re not gonna figure it all out, and that you’re wasting your fucking time. Here’s something else though- even in these super-shitty moments I’m actually doing what we set out to do, even if I don’t fully realize in the moment. The ultimate goal of The Ghost Generation is to help other people like us feel a little bit less alone, so even in the act of sharing my quiet moments of fear or defeat I am accomplishing a little bit of that goal. I know you’re out there. You are, you’re out there dealing with these same fears. You’re sitting at a desk somewhere, scared of the future, trying to do your best, and YOU feel alone. You feel lost. You feel like you’re edging closer to 40 and you should have figured this shit out a long time ago. You’re anxious like me, you’re frustrated like me, and sometimes you just want to SCREAM like me. You’re parents like us, your married like us, you’re trying to do it all like us cause you get ONE LIFE and you want to live it your way, the best you can. You’re not quite a millenial, you’re not quite a Gen Xer, you’re not rich, and you’re not poor. You’re on the cusp of the middle but you’re not fucking old. You’re not dead yet, and you want to live. You are out there and I know it, so where are you?

I know you’re there cause WE are too. I see it on Twitter, every minute of every day somebody is talking about their anxiety, their fears, their hopes, and their dreams. I read it in the news amidst the fear and the dread, people trying to make this world better. People trying to make life less about working until you fall over, people trying to achieve balance. People overwhelmed, overworked, and over stressed. People trying to create a world that doesn’t judge by color, sexuality, gender, or income- and the fight that results from these noble pursuits. People trying to fight through it all with anxiety, depression, bi-polar, and a million other -isms that haunt us in this fucked up world. We are all of these things, we are here with you, and sometimes I am terrified that nobody wants to hear us. Like a phone call ringing into infinity, screaming to the heavens only to never hear a sound in return. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, but I am trying to do something regardless. I might be shouting into the ether, but at least I CAN.

I don’t have any fucking answers, maybe the world doesn’t need what we’re doing. Maybe it’s too late and the train left the god damn station without us. I don’t know, but I do know that I don’t want to give up. I’ve spend 39 years living as the underdog and this is NO exception. I want to be a part of the conversation and I want to be successful in what I’m doing, but I’m also not willing to tack on a bunch of shit I DON’T care about to get there. That would be selling out, jumping on the bandwagon, and that’s 100% not what The Ghost Generation is about. This is about the truth, whatever that looks like. We’re going to tell you truths about life and parenting that NOBODY seems to want to tell you about cause this shit needs to be said. And yeah, I’d like to share a little bit of my fucking silly passion for bleeps and bloops somewhere in there too. This thing has existed for about a month now and some days I feel like the universe is throwing me the thumbs up sign everywhere I look and some days I feel like the universe is taking a big shit on my fucking porch. Yesterday? Shit on the porch day. Today? Don’t know, but I’m talking about it so that’s something. This would be boring if all you heard from me was how awesome everything is anyway, those people are the WORST. I really hope the people that need this find us, I’m trying to make it easy but all this “SEO For Bloggers” shit confuses the fuck out of me-anyone who feels like offering help or advice in that regard would be welcomed with hugs and unbridled enthusiasm-so we’ll see. I’m trying to get a little better every day, and once my more beautiful half of the team starts writing some more for us you’ll probably like this shit even more. I think we have something wonderful here, but the world we live in makes me wonder if it will ever get to the hearts and minds it needs to. Time will tell I guess, and in the meantime I’ll be trying to figure out just how the FUCK to make it all work.

“I want you to listen, I want you to care, I’ll choke to death if I don’t clear the air”- Off With Their Heads/”Clear The Air”

AJH

4 thoughts on “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? (or) ANXIETY 1, ME 0/CANTO #7

    1. Thanks amigo! It’s tough going sometimes to know how to navigate all this shit so I appreciate any insight you want to share. 🙂

  1. Dude, I hear you! And this is the longest blog article I’ve ever read, probably (I’m not a reader and I usually stop when it gets to long). I finished this one though. But how did I end up reading it? I checked my email and I sometimes don’t check my email for months… How do I normally find articles I’m interested in, and how do most of the people? As sad as it is social media is the key. People these days live in their phones, it’s their TV, it’s their newspaper and it’s their gaming console. I can say that I never intentionally visited a booger’s site to check for new content. I see the posts on social media and click on them. This is how it works these days, if one likes it or not. It’s like with any other good one wants to do. I would like to drive an electric car, but one that fits the needs of a family with kids is too expensive. I would like to recycle more, but I’m not allowed to put all of recyclable stuff in the bin, they won’t take it. There are things that just work a certain way these days and change takes time and a lot of effort. So for now, if you want a crowd, I think there is no way around social media. Posting something constantly on multiple channels. And it does not have to be much, give advice, tell what happened to you in a view words, post a picture or a quote that inspired you or something. Always with a link to your stuff. People might like some of it, they might share it, and people they know might like and share it too.

    I strongly believe that there is enough space for your message, people like me want to know that there are are good guys like you out there. You just need to get their attention, get into their phones! Just my way of seeing this man. You do what you do and as long as it makes you happy, gives you a channel to vent your frustration or just express yourself, all is hunky dory!

    Lots of love to you and keep on going!

    1. Thanks man! Some days shit just GETS to you, you know what I mean? Now, you all just get to listen to me complain about it publicly. Who needs therapy?! 😉

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