WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?/CANTO #43

WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?/CANTO #43

That’s it, I figured it out! We, as in the general public, are Rene. Brodie’s former girlfriend. The President, as in Donald Fuckface? He’s Shannon, the asshole from Fashionable Male. Yep, and right now we’re all being fucked someplace fairly uncomfortable.

Fuck yeah, I’ve got all the answers!

Not really, but I DID figure out how to weave a Mallrats reference into our current shitty life situation so I’m taking the win.

I almost WISH I had some dipshit trying to fuck me in a car right now, I could just kick him in the nads, he’d run away, and I’d go drink until I forgot the whole god damn thing. We’d meet eyes as I strolled past the food court and I’d make that throat-slitting gesture at him (you know the one) and he’d shrink into the bathroom to shit his pants expediently. I’d repeat this scenario monthly, but always at a different time, so he’d never QUITE know when to expect me but it would inevitably end with near pants-shitting every time. It’s fun for me.

Of course, much to the chagrin of my 17 year-old self, life isn’t one big Kevin Smith movie. I’m not sure WHAT the fuck it is, if I’m committing this whole “comparing life to movies” thing. I guess we’d be kinda like Inception, but without all the rad physics/time shit. It’s just layers of bullshit upon bullshit upon bullshit. Maybe we’re a little like Event Horizon, adrift with nothing but a distress signal to aid our rescue. When someone DOES show up to save me, they’ll realize that all we did was fuck and cut each other and whatever the hell else was going on in that movie.

What else? We’re DEFINITELY like Scarface, no question. Everyone chasing down wealth and materialism no matter the cost, the American Dream being the ever-present carrot dangling in front of our eager faces. All the while our souls dying until we flame out in a ski-slope sized pile of cocaine, depression, or some failure-filled combination of all of it.

FUCK, Aaron. You’ve gone to the dark place again.

I’m trying to keep it light here, but it’s fucking hard.

No, YOU’RE a child.

Anywho, back to the movie shit. We’re also A LOT like Gummo if you ask me. Harmony Korine’s 1997 scrapbook of human destruction and despair was a snapshot of what the town of Xenia, Ohio was like in the aftermath of a violent tornado that destroyed more than buildings. It wasn’t actually SHOT in Xenia, but Xenia did actually got hit by an F5 in 1974 in case you’re the thorough type. This version of Xenia though, was populated by glue-sniffing misfits, cat-killers, crack-smokers, and a whole host of other wasted souls- some of which weren’t actors.

The whole thing is shot like some kind of nightmare you’re standing right outside of, and when I was living in my shitty hometown my lowlife friends and I would watch it over and over again, sometimes on a shitload of psychedelics or motion sickness pills if we couldn’t get the good stuff. Fuck, it makes me itch just thinking about it. How the hell I ever escaped that place I have no idea, cause it almost ate me from the inside out. It’s not wonder my heads a fucking mess, but hey- at least I don’t kill cats for a living.

It really is a beautiful movie, one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen in fact. I think you have to know what desolation feels like to fully appreciate it, cause any well-adjusted person I ever tried to watch it with would find themselves in some form of shock or revulsion but for me it was more like “yeah, that’s like just up the street” or “a Tuesday” so it didn’t faze me as much as it probably should have.

If the previous three paragraphs don’t clearly illustrate why that movie is fucking America right now, we do NOT see things the same.

We probably don’t anyway, like I said- I’m a mess on a GOOD day. My point was, Gummo was all about the desolation all around us and if you take a second and look around you’ll realize that it’s not just over in that shitty part of town anymore. It’s everywhere. We’re struggling on a scale no living person has ever experienced, and as one of those people I can tell you- this shit is HARD.

Really man?

I can do this shit ALL DAY (see above)! What else? Let’s see…..AHA! Ok, you’re probably sick of this shit by now so I’ll kitchen sink the last ones. If you were to lump the current state of America, or fuck it- the WORLD- into a big-ass stock pot to simmer in its own effluence in the form of movies it would be comprised of Children of Men, Contagion, 28 Days Later, pretty much any movie about corrupt governments and conspiracies, The Road, and last but CERTAINLY not least- Idiocracy.

My wife still hasn’t seen this movie and given our current situation I doubt I’ll be convincing her any time soon. Too close to reality.

Yeah, you know the one. Water is replaced with a sports drink, everyone mumbles instead of speaking, clothes are covered in advertising, and the President is a professional wrestler. It was hilarious satire when it came out in 2006 (just have a look at pre-Kristen Bell Dax Shepard and Maya Rudolph as proof of comedic potency, not to mention the criminally underrated Luke Wilson) but the problem now is that it feels horrifyingly less like satire and more like a fuckin’ documentary.

I mean, it’s SCARY how close to real life this shit is right now. I remember thinking, back when my brain understood what “optimism” was, that we would probably find a way to course-correct before shit ever got THIS bad but now? 2020 me is coming to grips with the fact that we DIDN’T course-correct and we’re now smack dab in the middle of the most ridiculous, inane, disturbing, and idiotic world we’ve ever lived in.

If you don’t agree you’re not paying close enough attention. Or, you still have that “optimism” stuff.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

That’s what my internal dialogue sounds like today. Just a bunch of “fucks” of varying intensity, that’s it. That’s all I got, folks. I’ve been trying to keep writing so I can keep you all on board but most days lately all I have is a big loud “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!” swirling around up there. I’m trying to keep my shit together but it’s difficult as shit, and yesterday I was so stressed and anxious I thought I might actually throw up. The kids were playing downstairs, yelling like two little kids on speed or cupcakes, and I had to curl up in a ball with my noise-cancelling headphones on or I’m pretty sure I was going to shit my brain our of my tear ducts and fall over comatose.

The news is an ever flowing river of lies and contradictions, like Willy Wonka’s chocolate river but it’s just gallons and gallons of, you guessed it- liquid fucking shit. Or, maybe more like the following image:

Kinda like this- the news is the fountain and the wonderful Dawn French here is me. Instead of chocolate though, it’s BULLSHIT, and I’m drowning in it. I’m so crazy at this point that instead of collapsing, I just laugh like a lunatic and smear it all over myself instead.

If you’re anything like this guy, you’re right there with me. And you know what? It’s completely OK if you’re feeling a few thousand degrees left of sane right now, in fact I’d be seriously concerned about you if you DID feel normal so don’t sweat it. Work sucks, nothing makes sense, and there’s no end in sight. It’s OK, we’re all in the bullshit fountain together. I’m gonna keep doing my best to keep new shit on the site for you, even if all I can muster is disjointed movie comparisons and aimless profanity. It’s better than staring at reruns of “Burn Notice” at least, right?

Had to fill my “Burn Notice” reference quota for the month.

Look, the world might be more fucked up and divided than ever, but if there is ANY unity to be found it’s gonna be right here, with us, nestled up in the fact that though things might be shitty- they’re fucking shitty for everyone. Give yourself a break, don’t pay attention to all those people “being their best selves” during quarantine making everyone else feel like shit, and enjoy the fact that you’ve worn nothing but joggers for 87 days. Fuck it, I am. Other wise, this will all just be WAY too long and hard for me to take.

AFH

A blog/website where these happily married, 30-something parents of 2 little minions rant, rave, and speak in tongues. Raw, honest, and riddled with profanity. Get on board and let’s make The Ghost Generation awesome together! http://theghostgeneration.com Twitter.com/Gh0stGeneration

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