WHAT I’VE LEARNED SO FAR IN 2020/CANTO #59

WHAT I’VE LEARNED SO FAR IN 2020/CANTO #59

Fuck a preamble, screw an intro, let’s dive right the fuck in! This year is a god damned travesty of the highest order, and people all around us have been showing us just how awful they REALLY are on the inside. The “American Dream” has devolved into a fucking nightmare, everything is falling apart, and our best-case scenario is a middle-of-the-road career politician replacing the feral barn rat we call a President.

I mean, he’s a pantload better than Trump, but he’s still more “pleated khakis” than “legalize it!”.

Whatever, I’m voting for him either way cause if you don’t, at this point, congratulations- you’re an idiot. Your mom lied to you, you’re NOT a special little wubbykins, you’re just an asshole. Harsh? Nope. Look the fuck around, 2020 in America makes Orwellian fiction look like The Babysitters Club, so if you’re not on the “get Trump the FUCK out” side you’re on the motherfucking WRONG side.

This has, so far, been the worst year I’ve had the displeasure of living through. My feelings of failure, anxiety, and uncertainty have brought me to my knees countless times. I’ve had more breakdowns than a Ford Festiva, I’ve lost my shit colossally, and the fucking sad thing is that I’m just one dude. Millions of people are feeling like me but WORSE.

Further compounded by the fact that the very people we have elected to keep us safe are the same ones that, as it turns out, don’t give a shit if our kids have a roof over their heads or not.

If I’ve gotten ANY good out of this shit, it’s that I’ve gotten to spend a ton of time with my wife and my kids, and I’ve also learned some things about myself than I either didn’t know OR have been stuffing down inside so as to go through the motions of whatever the fuck “normal” life was before all this. The following is a compilation of the good, the bad, and the shitty things I’ve learned while trying to be a person in these seemingly anti-person times:

  • I would rather have my fingernails ripped out slowly over the course of a month than work for somebody else ANY longer. Life is short, and “the company” doesn’t give a FUCK about you, your family, or what you need to survive. I’ve never been a fan, cause I’m a creative at heart, and this shit sucks my soul out. MotherFUCK helping some old, white asshole pay for his luxury car while I worry about “keeping the numbers up”- I want to make my own way. Has it taken me til I’m just shy of 40 to finally visualize the path to do it? Yep. Am I gonna do everything it takes to make this shit happen? Also yep. What am I talking about? You’ll find out soon enough.
  • Jesus fucking CHRIST white people miss the fucking point, don’t they? We’ve had the stage for thousands of years, yet some of us still have the cajones to spout this “All Lives Matter” shit? Are we REALLY dumb enough to think that “Black Lives Matter” means “And Also Fuck Everyone Else”? I guess we are, cause these ignorant pricks are all too happy to make sure they wedge themselves into the conversation. Be an ally, or at least have the courtesy to shut the fuck up and not scream out to the world how much of a dumb waste of sperm you turned out to be. Until you have to explain to your kid why they might get shot while jogging, crawl back into whatever hole you came from and shut the fuck up.
  • I thought “alternative facts” was pretty bad, but 2020 has taught me that anytime I wonder “could these GOP cunts get ANY worse?” that answer is unequivocally YES. Yes they can, and they will if given half a chance too. They want to control our bodies, or minds, and the very core of who we are and we cannot let them do it. Some of us are just fucking lost causes, but there’s hope for the rest of us. Do you REALLY want to live in a world where everyone looks like Mitt Romney? I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Or a lot. It was a lot.
  • In addition to working for myself, from home, I’m also stoked about being home with my kids more. Contrary to popular belief, sitting in a fucking office all day and frantically trying to carve out a couple hours for EVERYTHING isn’t conducive to happiness for all of us. I want to be there, as much as possible, and without these shackles on I can do that- which brings me to my next point…
  • FUCK capitalism. Fuck it without lube in a truck stop bathroom and then take it out for Denny’s and forget your wallet and make it pay. Whoever created money is the worst person in history, cause congratulations- we are stuck in a world where we have no choice but to do shit we don’t like, for people who don’t care about us, for less money than it takes to live a decent life. If we’re lucky, we can start a business or find a passion, but it doesn’t always work out that way. Until we live in a world where single mothers don’t have to work two shitty jobs to barely take care of their kids, capitalism can go straight to fucking hell.
  • New Girl is officially my favorite television comedy of all time, and we are now in the process of our FIFTH watching since March. It has been a security blanket during all this chaos, it makes me happy, and we even named our puppy after Winston. Nick Miller is my spirit animal, and I bet we watch it at least 3 more times before this shit is all over. I didn’t think I’d like it, but I gave it a chance, and I’m super glad I did.
  • Unless under threat of death or severe consequence I’ll not be wearing anything that could be described as “business casual” ever again. Or jeans. If it’s not joggers, an uber-comfy tee, and/or a hoodie it can go to hell.
  • I’ve learned that I internalize shit WAY too much. I let myself feel ashamed for being depressed, or scared, or both- and before I know it I’m playing 9 hours of video games every day, staying up til 3 AM, and wondering why I’m stressed out of my face. I’ll be doing a lot less of that, I have shit to do. And when I feel like I need help, or I have something on my mind, I’m gonna talk about it instead of cramming it up my own ass and letting my insides turn to shit.
  • Also, I have the unfortunate ability to get SO sucked into my own issues that I forget that the people around me might be going through shit too. Maybe it’s less “forgetting” and more just allowing myself to get so sucked into my head that I don’t check in on other people when I should. Fuck, I’m trying- nobody’s perfect and odds are that this year has brought a LOT of our flaws to the forefront that a “normal” year might not have. We’re works in progress, every last one of us.
  • Challenging as it can be to add ANY additional living creatures to our family right now, I needed a puppy in my life. I needed a puppy when I was three, when I was thirteen, and when I was thirty-three. The unconditional love, free of societal bullshit, that they bring to the table is absolutely wonderful and to tell the truth, I think we ALL needed a puppy right now. She’s stubborn as all hell, but she’s our Winnie and in the midst of all this darkness she’s a little burst of joy and she’s helped to bring us all back together a little bit. Thanks Winnie.
  • Referring back to the first entry about fucking work, I also have NO TOLERANCE LEFT for being around stupid fucking people. 2020 has drawn fucking lines in the sand, and I feel like everywhere I go I’m standing on the opposite fucking side from everyone else. These clueless fucks, these Trump-supporting meat bags, these “your kid might die but I want a manicure” motherfuckers- all of them. Can’t fucking do it anymore. While I’m trying to better myself, my rage is real and humanity is about as brazenly shit-pants as it’s ever been. And that’s saying a lot, cause we’ve managed to survive through the Inquisition AND Disco. Christ.
  • I need to sleep more. I’ve heard it for years, “you’re in your 30’s, you can’t stay up til 3 AM every night!” to which my response was usually “fuck off”, but I gave it a spin while we were on vacation and I’ll be damned- everyone else might be on to something. Smoking weed, playing Skyrim, and listening to Tool all night is rad, but so is not falling to shit every time I drop my keys. Did the fact that we were on vacation help? Yes, yes it did. Still, I’m trying to make a little more room to let myself rest and recover here and there and while I’m still a fucking mess of a human- it’s a LITTLE better, and this year that counts for more than ever.
  • That thing about carving my own path, not working for someone else? yeah, that was the plan for The Ghost generation all along. We started this thing just over a year ago and 2020 has taught me that if you’re a writer you have about a 50/50 chance of your writing becoming your living. Our readership was climbing, slowly but steadily, and then people started talking about COVID-19 and our shit dried up faster than Melania’s vagina on “sex night”. I guess everyone’s watching people dance on TikTok and complaining about shit on Twitter, or maybe I’m just the worst writer ever, but either way- I realized that my dream is creativity and independence, and that I just need to channel it a little differently. I’m still gonna be writing, so the four of you who super-care can breathe a sigh of relief. BUT- this is the beginning of a whole new era for me, my family, and The Ghost Generation and again- mum’s the word right now, but all will be revealed soon.
  • I like what the fuck I like. I’ve never cared what people think of me, but life in 2020 has proven to me that this is one of the thing I am the most fiercely unwavering in. I don’t care WHERE I am, I don’t care WHO is there, and I don’t care what anyone has to say about it- I am going to be completely myself, and I’m going to like what I like unencumbered by the burdens of critics, or influencers, or whoever is calling the shots on what’s “cool”. I like New Girl, I like puppy kisses, and I ate Arby’s a few weeks ago cause I fuckin’ wanted to and I LIKED IT. I like some songs by Enya, I enjoyed big baggy-ass clothes in the 90’s cause I’ve always been insecure about my body, and I don’t care what Fred Durst is rapping about- I like Limp Bizkit. GASPS! SHOCK AND DISBELIEF! How can you listen to Hot Water Music and also like Limp Bizkit? How can you freely admit to such less-than-popular opinions?! Cause they’re mine, motherfucker-that’s how. I don’t care how punk rock or not punk rock anyone thinks I am, cause guess what- nobody is living my life but ME. If i can;t even allow myself the freedom to enjoy whatever the fuck I want you might as well but a bullet in my head and toss me off the Golden gate Bridge, cause mental slavery is worse than death if you’re asking me. Oh yeah, and I REALLY like Taco Bell, and not in that ironic “haha, its fun at 2 AM when you’re drunk” kinda way- I just fuckin’ like it cause I LIKE IT. Boom.
  • I saw the word “imagine” written backwards the other day, and I thought it was a non-English word pronounced “ee-ma-gee-nay” until my brain kicked back in and realized that it was just the word “imagine”. Sorry, John Lennon.
  • You know that Blind Melon song “No Rain”? That lyric where he says ‘you know I’d like to keep my cheeks dry today”? For most of my life, I thought he was saying “you know I’d like to keep my cheeks strodgedy” and I didn’t understand what he meant cause I was always pretty sure that “strodgedy” wasn’t a fucking word in the first place. I heard the song the other day and it made me think about it, though I didn’t technically “learn it in 2020”.
  • While we’re on the subject of lyric faux pas, and “liking what I like”, I fucking love the first Slipknot album- a lot. It’s everything I like, its like a stew of metal, punk, hip-hop, and complete madness all filtered through the Midwestern bleakness I grew up in. Muy bueno. The song “Spit it Out” has a lyric close to the end, “Fuck me, I’m all out of enemies!” which assumes that the protagonist has eliminated all of the bitch-ass fartfaces from his purview. Well, MY head always hears it as “Fuck me, a mole on amphetamines!” and I giggle every single time I hear it. Extra points cause he repeats the line like eight times.

Gotta take whatever laughter your ass can get in 2020, folks.

I think we’ve all had enough of my shit for one day, there wasn’t any deep message to this one, no underlying themes, or really any redeeming literary value whatsoever- sometimes a dude’s just gotta vent and make fun of himself publicly! Take care of yourselves out there in dystopia, I’ll have lot’s to share soon and I’m very thankful to have shit I’m excited about right now cause shit is BLEAK. Hold on tight to what you have and what you love,a nd for FUCK’S SAKE- VOTE, AND VOTE FUCKING BLUE. Our lives LITERALLY depend on it.

AFH

A blog/website where these happily married, 30-something parents of 2 little minions rant, rave, and speak in tongues. Raw, honest, and riddled with profanity. Get on board and let’s make The Ghost Generation awesome together! http://theghostgeneration.com Twitter.com/Gh0stGeneration

The Ghost Generation

2 thoughts on “WHAT I’VE LEARNED SO FAR IN 2020/CANTO #59

  1. You will find that it’s those closest to you, who will tell you “no.” Don’t listen to them. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone…follow your heart/dreams. I recommend reading “growing a business.” It was written by the guy who started Smith and Hawkin. It helped me mentally, when i was struggling to get my business going. It confirmed what I already knew, but coming from his perspective…it shredded any doubt I had. I’m an insanely positive person, but it was a great read and actually had great pointers from a retail point of view that translates into any business. I got lucky and figured things/life out early at age 26. The secret?… there’s two. 1. Quit trying to figure out the meaning of life, seriously, stop and smell the roses is the most epic qoute ever. The smell of the roses IS the meaning of life. Live life a day at a time. 2. When things get terrible…just take that energy and turn it towards something you love. That’s really it. Everything else falls into place. Oh…and exercise. Happy body=happy mind. It’s the #1 ailment for mental health. Going on 46 now and happier every single new day. Yeah, life blows most of the time…but it’s all about perspective. Focus and direct energy towards the positive.

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