I have no idea where this kid’s hands have been but I’m 100% sure they’re not clean

Let me just provide you with a snapshot of the past couple of weeks:
My son got sick. Then my daughter got sick. Then she coughed directly in my mouth while I was talking to her. Then I got sick. Then my son got sick again. Then AFH got sick.

Yes you read that correctly: my daughter fucking coughed INTO my mouth. Other parents of young children who are reading this are nodding knowingly because this is the space we occupy now and pampering is the furthest thing from our minds. If you’re anything like us, you have full-time jobs, a house to clean, pediatrician appointments to keep on top of, bills to pay, sanity to desperately grab at as it’s floating away.

In a particularly cruel twist of fate, our formerly heavy sleeper of a son just turned two and a half and has decided to wake up crying every night, sometimes multiple times. This is as we’re just coming off of two years of our daughter who also did this to us on a regular basis. So we’re now going on about four years of not being able to make it through a whole week without uninterrupted sleep.

There’s a reason that the most effective form of torture is sleep deprivation

You’re a lucky ducky if you have parents or in-laws who are willing to help out. We do not. It’s just us where our cute offspring are winning this fucked up game that we don’t remember signing up to play and we are now hollowed out husks, dragging ourselves to bed every night, only to rinse and repeat the next day.

As you can imagine, seeing articles to get me on the self care train is a joke. I can’t take a bath, light candles, put on a face mask because, at some point in the ten minutes I would allow myself to relax, one of my little devils would sense it and wake up screaming. The celebrities that are peddling this self care bullshit can take more than a night away from their kids because there are people willing to look after them. They have nannies and night nurses and a lot of them have no idea what it takes to actually raise kids while feeling completely drained down to your very bones.

Yes, I’m sure a $90 face mask will make me feel like a million bucks. However, that’s the price of my monthly power bill so yeah, I’ve got to pay that. Pesky electricity.

So, if you’re in our boat then here are some at-home pampering remedies you can do so that you’ll feel like your floating on a cloud:

  1. While hand washing bottles in the kitchen sink, add some extra dish soap and really get those bubbles going. It’s like a spa for your hands.
  2. Who needs an expensive dinner out? The glory of being at home is that you don’t have to feel like people are judging you when you’re standing in front of the fridge squirting whipped cream directly from the canister into your mouth.
  3. When your child is pinching your cheeks repeatedly, just think: you didn’t have to fork out $100 for that fancy facial.
  4. TED Talks are overrated. Try talking to your kid about which fruit has seeds and what will eventually turn into a tree if you plant them. That’s using the old noggin.
  5. 40 minute transcendental meditation session? I just choose to concentrate on the freeway lane dividers for my hour commute to the office both in the morning and evening. They have a wonderful calming effect.
  6. If you’re lucky, you can catch the dryer just as it’s finishing the latest load and get those warm socks on your feet. I’m sure that replaces a pedicure by a professional.
  7. Reading parenting articles to make sure your child won’t turn into a serial killer is just as good as reading the latest blockbuster. You have it all: suspense, intrigue, the occasional blunt object used as a weapon…I’m looking at you, Elmo.
  8. If you can time it right, the sun’s rays can hit you perfectly as you’re going to get the mail at the end of the day. Who needs that Florida vacation?! – FemaleGG

A blog/website where these happily married, 30-something parents of 2 little minions rant, rave, and speak in tongues. Raw, honest, and riddled with profanity. Get on board and let’s make The Ghost Generation awesome together!


  1. People always look at me like I’m an asshole, when I say I cant wait for my kids to be gone. But parents, parents get it. I’m a single parent, with barely any help at all (I’m lucky my one kid is almost an adult, she watches the 10yr old). This whole post, sums up why I say that. I love my kids with all my heart. But dear lord I’m fucking done. Pampering for me, is shitting in peace, or getting what I want for dinner.

    1. It’s incredibly hard doing this shit without any help. I mean- we CHOSE to have our kids, 100%. BUT, we did NOT expect everyone around us to fuck off and leave us on an island either. I can’t even imagine trying to do it alone, Laura & I are such a team and it’s hard enough with TWO of us. Hang in there man, I know you’re having a rough time right now and I’m always around if you need to talk. 😉

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