I guess it’s finally time to heed my own advice. Yep, I’m one of “those people”, expert-level at helping other people with THEIR struggles yet almost completely shit at sorting out my own. It’s ridiculous, but it’s true. I guess it’s just easier to see solutions to the problems of others than it is for your own, it’s backwards but I suppose it’s pretty simple- us humans get attached to our thought & behavior patterns, so even the bad ones can be comforting in some way. It’s tougher to fix our own shit because it’s inside of us, wrapped in all our neuroses, our fears, and our life experiences. Well, it looks like I’m finally taking steps to actually fix my own shit and I’m excited, nervous as all hell, but excited.
Spoiler alert: I’m kind of a mess.
That’s to put it MILDLY! Essentially, I’ve been walking around for most of my life with some combination of anxiety, depression, PTSD, and who the hell knows what else. Oh yeah, add misophonia to that list too. So pretty much everything in the universe has the potential to royally fuck up my day REAL quick. I’ve also never fucking done anything about it either, so now I’m here at 40 with a mental Tilt-A-Whirl spinning around in my head and the ride operator fucked off to go buy more meth and put the damn thing into “speed mode”.
The weird thing is, I’m 100% not against therapy, treatment, any of it. I believe that whatever helps you (and doesn’t hurt you, obviously) is precisely what you should do, whatever that looks like. Life is short and we owe it to ourselves to be as happy, healthy, and well-adjusted as possible. In practice though, sometimes it’s just not that easy. Maybe if we lived in a world that didn’t place damaging stigmas on things like mental health it would be better, maybe if I wasn’t so stubborn about my own shit it would be better, maybe all of the above.
Either way, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of walking around trying to manage this stuff on my own out of sheer determination to figure it out on my own. I’m tired of helping other people and offering advice I have no intention of following myself. Long story short? I’m tired of being a fucking idiot about my mental health.
So I signed up to begin therapy.
That’s right, I finally did it. After the last of countless full-on collapses I’m finally waving the proverbial white flag at myself and saying “enough”. Next Wednesday evening I’ll be jumping on my first online therapy session and to say it’s been a long time coming would be the height of absurdity, but yeah- this has been needed for a long time. My stubborn resolve to “fix it on my own” has done absolutely nothing but make shit worse, and I don’t want to fight myself anymore. So we’ll see, I’m excited, nervous, and anxious all in one but I know I’ll be OK.
I’m not telling you this for a pat on the back, for fucking sympathy, or anything like that. I’m telling you this because you might be like me. Silently (or maybe not-so-silently) struggling with mental health and being terrified to do anything about it. That’s no way to live and I’ve deprived myself of a fully-happy life for far too long. You too, you owe it to yourself to say “fuck the stigma” and do what you need to do to spend the rest of your life in good stead. I’m telling you this because you don’t have to be alone, this stuff is hard to face- that’s why there are people who get paid pretty fucking well to help us with it. They’re experts, which means we don’t always have to be. That’s freeing, right? It is to me, it reminds me that I don’t have to be perfect, cause none of us really can be anyway.
So there you have it. I have no idea what’s ahead on this journey, but I started it, and that’s what counts. I also don’t really know how to end this, and I’m staring at my lunch waiting to be eaten so I’m gonna check out for now. I’ll keep you posted as I get further into my therapy journey so you can see things unfold in real-ish time and maybe snag a little inspiration for yourself if you need it. Til then, take care of yourself, hold on tight to the ones you love, and WEAR A FUCKING MASK.