One more on the other side and I’d be able to get a gig in the new Marvel movie as BUG EYE GIRL. Cue Van Morrison

My baby girl turned 1 in June 2016. We had just sold our house in under four hours and were DESPERATELY looking for one to move into as we had six weeks before closing. There was a lot going on and one night, while watching the TV, I couldn’t really see properly. I chalked it up to stress and needing to catch up on sleep. A week later, it still hadn’t improved and now I wasn’t able to see a portion of things (Let’s say there was a smoke alarm on the wall. It was like a section of it had been removed from the middle so it was completely distorted) so I went over to my eye doctor, who then referred me to a retina specialist. In one afternoon my life went from “eye drops will fix this” to “You need to have emergency surgery as soon as possible otherwise you’ll lose the eye.” I had a retina detachment, something that had apparently been happening for the past six months unbeknownst to me and it was caused by the fact that I’d had shitty eyesight since I was ten years old. During this time, I had to tell AFH to not make “beating your wife” jokes as I’m sure they’d be frowned upon in this instance. He did his best.

Four days later I found myself in hospital getting knocked out and woke up three hours later not being able to see out of my eye. For the next two weeks I had to lie on my left side for 20 out of 24 hours a day to allow the gas bubble they’d injected to hold the stitches in place. I wasn’t allowed to lift up my kid. I was devastated. Oh, did I also mention that the surgery was $35,000 before health insurance kicked in but I was still on the hook for my full deductible? So, that would be $3,800 added to another credit card…see how easy this shit can happen?!

As time went on I learned to not use the left eye. I gained a permanent retina specialist in my arsenal of healthcare providers and I paid for that motherfucking $40 3D retina checkup at my optometrist’s office every time (because ladies and gentlemen, if I’d just done that in the first place none of this would have ever happened). However, at the beginning of 2019, I started to have cloudy vision in that eye again. I went back to the retina specialist where they saw a cataract (I’m in my 30s, just reminding you of that fact). I was recommended to another set of specialists who presented an amazing opportunity: get the cataract removed and get a permanent lens inserted behind the retina which will allow you to see perfectly again. WHAT?! They advised that the procedure wasn’t always successful and of course, there would be more money involved but I would have been a fucking idiot to not take the opportunity. I also threw in LASIK for the other eye (not covered by insurance so there’s another $2,500).

Because I’m not sure a monocle would have gone with most of my outfits.

And so, three weeks later, in an eye surgery center surrounded by people about fifty years older than me getting the same surgery, I was put into “twilight anesthesia”. For the squeamish out there, that’s when they don’t put you fully under while they work on your eye which FUCK OFF, HOW DARE YOU SIR, THAT’S RIDICULOUS. But guess what – I saw purple lights and was loving everybody and had a grand old time. There was no pain, even afterwards and the next morning when I went to have the patch removed I could see 20/20. I promptly burst into tears because sometimes you CAN cry tears of happiness.

The next week the LASIK was successful and for the first time in 28 years I could see perfectly. I did gain some damage to my optical nerve in the eye that had the detachment and have been diagnosed with early onset glaucoma but it’s manageable with a daily eye drop called Timolol. AFH can’t help himself and likes to yell “TIMOLOL” out every morning in an uncanny Tom Brokaw impression. It never fails to make me giggle.

I guess the moral of this story is that no matter what life throws at you, you just have to put your head down and take it one step at a time. Shit can be annoying or really scary but at the end of the day, all your kid wants is to climb up and snuggle with you, whether you can see perfectly out of both eyes or not. Now looking back, we got our forever home at the perfect time, my eyesight is better than if none of this had happened and everything kind of worked out. Plus the eye drops give me amazingly long lashes so, totally worth all the trauma.

If there’s anything you leave this story with, hopefully it’s get the 3D retina thingy at your yearly checkup. 99.9% of the time nothing will show up on it but when that .1% hits? You won’t have to hear Tom Brokaw impressions if you catch it early enough. – FemaleGG

A blog/website where these happily married, 30-something parents of 2 little minions rant, rave, and speak in tongues. Raw, honest, and riddled with profanity. Get on board and let’s make The Ghost Generation awesome together!

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