This shit doesn’t NEED a picture.
Let’s just set the tone for the occasion real quick: FUCK Melania Trump.
Yep, fuck her. Fuck Donald, fuck Donald Jr., fuck that other one nobody loves, SUPER fuck Ivanka, and fuck Tiffany too. Fuck the whole god forsaken lot of ’em.
“Fuck ’em in the ass with a big rubber dick”- George Carlin
Why the fuck am I even wasting my breath on the Pond Scum In-Chief and his genetically shit-bagged fucking family? Well, a couple reasons. One, because I can. Contrary to what Don the Dictator wants, we live in a free motherfucking country where I can say whatever I want even if it’s not about God, Guns, or Grabbin’ Pussy. Side note- did you EVER think you’d see the words “Grabbin’ Pussy” in an article about the President? I sure as fuck didn’t, well…maybe JFK. Too soon? Ok, Clinton then.
Secondly, I’m talking about this shit cause FLOTUS was all over the fuckin’ news today and it got on my nerves. You noticed that I didn’t mention their kid up there, right? The little one, Barron. Well, once again out there in bizarro world, somebody DID mention him. As per usual it was pretty harshly too. Look, I get it- fuck Donald Trump and anyone who doesn’t hate his rotten Wendy’s-filled guts. That being said, it’s not a good look to go after people’s kids (little ones I mean).
Calm down, it’s not turning into a love-in.
SO far from it.
Someone chose to talk shit about Melania’s kid (I don’t think Donald remembers he’s a thing most of time, so I’ll not refer to him as “theirs”) and it (of course) made the news. She fired back, and before you knew it no Twitter feed in the known universe was absent of this shit show, and I was no exception either. While there’s nothing I despise more than these fucking cretins, I can’t lie to you- I think it’s fucking shitty to go after children. You WANT me to think that way, I promise! The adults in question are FAIR game. Fair game and EASY targets for it too. Kids though?
If I were in her shoes…
Add THAT sentence to the list of “shit I never thought I’d say in my lifetime. Yikes. Stay with me though- think about it. If somebody, in the media or otherwise, made a big public spectacle out of fucking with YOUR kid, what would YOU do?
See, it frames that shit in a whole new light.
Cause I’ll tell ya now- if it was my kid, I’d lose my god damned mind on the person perpetrating the offense. I don’t give a FUCK. Go after my kid, I’ll shut you the fuck down. Hard. Hate me to the ends of the earth, I couldn’t care less, but leave my fucking children out of it. A quick note to the inevtiable right-wing lurkers- don’t get any fucking ideas, waste your venom on somebody who would venture to care. Kisses.
I’d do it, you’d do it, your husband would do it, your wife would do it- hell, your fucking DOG would do it. You’d flip the fuck out on the person messing with your child and in my case THAT would end up being the news story. “Atlanta Man ATE SOMEONE ON LIVE TELEVISION!”, they’d say. The flip out would be legendary, so it’s probably a good thing that nobody particularly gives a shit about little ol’ me, so in turn even less about my children.
So trust me, I’m not sticking up for Melly From The Block in the slightest. I’m just saying that I get it. Fuck with MY kid? I fuck back. That sounded dirty.
Focus man, you’re losing ’em.
I even harass myself, christ. Anyway, all this FLOTUS shit got me thinking about the fact that somebody with a college degree decided it would be best for the Bully In-Chief’s wife to take up an initiative called “Be Best”. Really, a grown man or woman, making a robust government salary, in their best judgement chose to let Melania Trump head up the cyber bullying/opioid crisis initiative and then went home, watched Burn Notice, and went to bed blissfully content in their day’s work
No, your brain ISN’T dripping out of your ears.
The shit happened, and somehow the American people are supposed to fucking BELIEVE it too? Man, I just don’t know anymore. Just when I think we can’t get any more stupid I’m immediately challenged by like 12 things showing me the extent of precisely how stupid we are capable of becoming. We’re living in some crazy-ass times, and there’s no sign of stopping to be seen. Fuck.
We’re skidding off the cliff holding martinis, and in the middle of it all we’re supposed to believe that a person who is married to Donald Trump is also deeply passionate about the feelings of children. You can’t read while you’re uncontrollably laughing- stop it. I know it sounds hilarious, that’s cause it IS. Of course, we were ALSO supposed to believe that a lifelong rich kid, and racist, and xenophobe, and homophobe, and misogynist, and egomaniac was going to take care of all the blue-collar workers, and he even tried to convince us that the black community loved him too. Man, it’s bananas, it really is.
It’s making my head fizz just THINKING about it all. These people don’t operate from a place of love. They operate from a place of domination, a palace to the self paved onto the backs of a public too distracted to know most of our leaders didn’t tell us they ran out of lube a LONG time ago. They know shit like this, so they slime their way in and take up house. Even worse? We fucking LET them, and we VOTED for them.
Well, I didn’t. You probably didn’t either.
Melania was 1/2 of the package deal, and they had to plug her into SOME kind of socket so it might as well be one that won’t shock her too badly. You know, make her REALLY work. The problem is an issue of authenticity. She has none and everyone knows it. It’s really less of a problem than just a fact. She doesn’t care about the working class, the middle class, or any of whatever the fuck she perceives as beneath her. She doesn’t care about brown people, black people, or PEOPLE in fucking general and the one that fucking fries my dads? She doesn’t seem to be real jazzed on immigrants either, and she definitely IS one. You can’t MAKE this shit up, couldn’t do it for all the candy in the world.
2019 still has a little time to get weird too, and we’ll see if that catfish’s anus in a suit gets ousted soon enough. He will, I promise. If not? Fuck you, we’re all moving to Canada like we said we would back in 2016 god damn it. We’re OUT.
At minimum get a suitcase on deck, amirite?
Cause you never fucking know anymore. All bets are off, and more often than not the good thing DOESN’T happen and we’re all left stunned, jaws agape. So maybe he fucking WON’T get impeached, but it’s looking good my friends. I’m sticking with the silver linings on this one, cause otherwise I’ll throw up everywhere out of sheer terror. We HAVE to be smarter than this, right. Yes.
And while, as a parent, I’d be fucking mad as shit at the people that went at my kiddo- one can ALSO argue that they chose to be public figures, and divisive ones at that, so they’re then open to all of the insanity that comes their way. You don’t see this shit going on with Tom Hanks do you? Fuck no you don’t, cause that motherfucker is the nicest creature on the planet. Period. Forrest Gump is STILL my shit, fight me.
I, on the other hand, don’t want to argue about SHIT. I’m just saying- there’s more than one dimension to the conversation and they’re all shitty. Don’t fuck with someone’s kids, but don’t be enough of a dick that someone WANTS to fuck with YOUR kids either. You wouldn’t know it from how I write but I can be a LITTLE bit passionate. You’re uncontrollably laughing again, Stephanie- pump the brakes chuckles. Anyway, yeah- I have strong opinions, but I’m not an asshole and as far as I know most of the people inside my immediate sphere don’t think I’m awful. Or, they’re really good sports. Either way, if you keep your shit together and just be a decent human being, nobody will want to come after ANYONE and people can spend their energy in vastly more important spaces. Namely, working on shit like healthcare, gun violence, prescription fucking drugs and the swine that makes them, LQBTQ rights, homelessness, racism- I could keep rattling shit off, but you get my point.
So much wasted time, so many wasted lives.
Nevermind Melania, she doesn’t even really make a dent in the history books anyway. Donald will, unfortunately, leave a much longer-lasting scar I’m afraid. We absolutely SHOULD be doing more to extinguish things like cyberbullying, and opioid addiction, but is THIS really the person you want heading that shit up? No, it’s not and you fucking well know it (neither is he by the way). Melania Trump is married to a bloated rich hemorrhoid and since she’s stuck with him, she might as well make people think she gives a fuck in any capacity. Get some good PR outta the shitstorm. In the end, she’s just selling us all out like her husband is. Sending us up a river and running off with our picnic baskets while we flounder to stay afloat. It’s chicanery, it’s a farce, it’s like some kind of bizarro world political theater. Madness.
Christ, I’m honestly kinda tired of talking about these people, so I guess that means it’s time for me to bid you adieu. The thing is, I’m pretty sure I could make a full-time job out of talking shit about the Trumps, but I don’t think my stomach can take it. Or my spirit. This shit just makes me feel SAD for us all, cause we’re all trying to live under the shadow of corrupted titans, liars, and conniving thieves that wouldn’t venture to fucking piss on you if you were on fire. Their contempt for everyone but themselves is alarming, it is growing, and hopefully we get some collective sense and kick this motherfucker to the curb once and for all in the coming weeks. It’s a nice dream, isn’t it? So fuck Melania, and all the rest of ’em. Go “Be YOUR Best” cause you’re a human FUCKING being. I didn’t need FLOTUS to tell me not to troll lacrosse teams on the internet or not to snort heroin with breakfast- I just don’t do those things. Assuming anything else is fucking patronizing, condescending, and ridiculous. I don’t need to be led, I prefer to just live.
Anyway, I have shit to do and now my head is fizzing again so goodnight (or morning, or afternoon) and don’t forget to subscribe if you haven’t already. You wouldn’t want to miss any of my descent into insanity, so make some popcorn. Or, make what I affectionately “Hate Corn”. It’s normal microwave popcorn accosted with ranch-flavored seasoning and parmesan cheese and it’s awesome. My wife thinks it stinks though, so she won’t kiss me until I’ve brushed my teeth after consuming Hate Corn. I could have just as easily left that detail out, but it made me laugh like a dipshit so in it stays.
Happy to end on a high note. 🙂
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